‘He used to point out what I deserved to eat after training depending on how well I had played’

It is Ellen Gustafsson’s 14th birthday. She is spending her evening playing football. After training she sits with her teammates in the changing rooms, and they celebrate with her.

Her best friend has made a cake for the celebration - only for the coach to come up to her and tell her “I don’t think you should eat that - you don’t deserve it.”

Ellen went home that evening and cried. And on that day, Ellen decided to give up something she really loved. Football.

Ellen Gustafsson, Swedish fullback for DMU women’s team, hasn’t always felt good about football. She started football when she was only five years old and played for a local team from the village she is from, called Norvalla, on the outskirts of Gothenburg. She enjoyed it, up until six months after she progressed up to the women’s team.

Ellen was only 13 years old when she was moved up to the women’s team in her club. Up until then, she enjoyed meeting all her friends and new people at training.

“I love football, and I have loved it almost all my life, it’s that one thing I always look forward to,” Ellen says.

Ellen enjoyed it, until she was progressed up to the women’s team, she was one of those young players, that was too good for her age, that is how she felt at first and then the team got a new coach.

He started commenting on what she did outside of football and what she ate. “He used to point out what I deserved to eat after training depending on how well I had played,” Ellen says.

It took Ellen six months until she found the courage to talk to someone. She was the youngest player in the team, not many of them were her age which made it harder for her to speak up. She talked to team captain, but things didn’t change.

“I didn’t look forward to football anymore, I was afraid to go out on the pitch, I was afraid of making mistakes,” Ellen says while looking down at her hands, playing with a ring on her finger.

Her mental health during that year suffered. She was too young to understand how it affected her and she was too young to identify when something she had happily done for seven years. Suddenly, wasn’t as enjoyable anymore.

And then there was the tipping point. It was her 14th birthday and her best friend had made a cake for everyone to celebrate in the changing room after training. “My coach approached me and instead of wishing me a happy birthday, he told me not to eat the cake because I didn’t deserve it,” Ellen says with an annoyed tone. It still angers her. Ellen left the changing room crying and decided to quit football that day.

It would affect her as much today as it did back in the day, it’s not easy to just forget what has been said, those are the stuff she is insecure about now. It took Ellen a long time to rebuild her courage and confidence. She really wanted to play football again and she didn’t want to let her insecurities get in the way.

“When I started university, because it is so big, no one would know if I turned up to one training and didn’t enjoy it. No one would remember if I was even there. Which was the reason I dared to try.”

So, even now, although she is very happy in the DMU team, she sometimes thinks about that coach while she is on the pitch “What would he say about the mistake I’ve just made,” Ellen says.

After her first training with DMU, last season, the coach pulled Ellen to the side and said something that proves that as much as words can hurt, they can also heal. “For the first time I felt like someone believed in me. The coach assured me and told me that I was good enough for this team.” Ellen says with a smile, knowing that was all she needed to hear.